I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
