She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
