She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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