my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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