Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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