Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
