Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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