that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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