I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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