I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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