awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
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He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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