you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
