I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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