I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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