apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
