I want you more than these girls want KFC
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
