he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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