i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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