I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
