thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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