so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
