I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
