All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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