Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
