i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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