she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am one with the molecules
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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