You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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