My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
