Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
