i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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