Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
