i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
