I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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