my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
