On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
