I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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