if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
