Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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