I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
