U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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