You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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