i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
