the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
