first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
