He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
