i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
