omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
