Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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