I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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