I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
