____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
