im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
