you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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