I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Randomize
