so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
