oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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