you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
