Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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